What is your opinion on children’s pocket money?
[学生提交的作文]
Nowadays, it is a commonplace that children own startle amount of pocket money. These new moneybags never earned one dollar but have glorious consumptive point of view. As far as I am concerned, we should decrease their pocket money. The reasons can be listed as following.
First , money produce negative effect on children. As I can see, there are few children could make a correct decision on purchasing, especially the sum of the money is affluent. They always use it in some harmful ways, such as try to drink and smoke. It is danger both on their physical and mental aspects. Second, parents should change their way to express their love. In china, giving a little money to children is a traditional way to show the love of adult. Following the increasing amount of money that has be given , some children become a moneybags during one night. In this reason, change the way to express our feeling is necessary. In order to reduce children’s money as well as the bad influence from money. At last but not least, school and society would provide some opportunities to children for earning money through their labor. The proverb goes : no pay no gain. The junior moneybags cannot image the difficult to earn money if they never try.
From what has been discussion above, we come to the conclusion that we cannot ignore the gradually increasing pocket money of children. Because money would bring weakness to children.
[老师批改的作文]
Nowadays, it is a commonplace that children own startle amount of pocket money. These new moneybags never earned one dollar but had glorious consumptive point of view. As far as I am concerned, we should decrease their pocket money. The reasons can be listed as following.
First , money produce negative effect on children. As I can see, there are few children could make a correct decision on purchasing, especially as the sum of the money is affluent. They always use it in some harmful ways, such as trying to drink and smoke. It is danger both on their physical and mental aspects.
Second, parents should change their way to express their love. In China, giving a little money to children is a traditional way to show the love of the adult. With the increasing amount of money that has be given , some children become a moneybags during one night. In this reason, changing the way to express our feeling is necessary. In order to reduce children’s money as well as the bad influence from money,….
At last but not least, schools and our society would offer the kids an opportunity to earn money by their labor. The proverb goes : no pay no gain. The junior moneybags cannot image the difficulties to earn money if they never try.
From what has been discussed above, we come to the conclusion that we cannot ignore the gradually increasing pocket money of children. Because money would bring pernicious implication on children.
该文较通顺，但是论点以及其展开欠缺连贯性，使论点没有非常充分的展开，论证。出现了用词搭配不当的现象较明显，以及表达复杂长难句的功底需要多加锤炼。个别主谓搭配不一致。
[学生的反馈]
老师您好！你说我的论点展开的不好，我接受您的意见加以了改正。我觉得我之所以没有展开是因为立论不合理。我进行了通篇的修改。请您评价一下这篇的感觉，可以得多少分？谢谢。
Topic: What is your opinion on children’s pocket money?
As the proverb goes: every coin has both sides, and that also includes children’s pocket money. With the increasing of children’s pocket money, more and more people concerned with this problem. Some people think we should decrease the amount of the money because it would perniciously impact on our children. However, others considered children could learn to manage money through using their pocket money.
We do not deny that decreasing the sum of children’s pocket money would bring advantages. In traditional Chinese opinion, parents would give a little money to their children for expressing their love or rewarding the children’s achievement in study. In my opinion, this behaviors are unacceptable, because the wrong principle would gradually formed in children’s mind that giving money is the only way for their parents to express love. Hence we would choose adequate way to show our affections, such as associating or playing with the children.
I also agree the argument that we should forester children’s ability to manage their money. Furthermore, we should offer some opportunities for children to gain money with their labor. No pay no gain, children could not understand how to use the money if they never earn one dollar with their hand. In this reason, schools and parents should encourage children to work in their spare time and offer some position for them.
Children’s pocket money, just like anything else in the world, has its bright side and dark side. As far as I am concerned, we should give our children not only the money but also the advise to use and to earn it.
[老师的批改]
As the proverb goes: no garden without weeds, so does children’s pocket money. With the increasing sum of children’s pocket money, more and more people concerned with this problem. Some people think we should decrease the amount of the money because it would exert perniciously impact on our children. However, others considered children could learn to manage money through using their pocket money.
We do not deny that decreasing the sum of children’s pocket money would bring advantages. In traditional Chinese opinion, parents would give a little money to their children for expressing their love or rewarding the children’s achievement in study. In my opinion, this behavior is unacceptable, because the wrong principle would gradually form in children’s mind that giving money is the only way for their parents to express love. Hence we would choose adequate ways to show our affections, such as communicating or playing with the children.
I also agree the argument that we should forester children’s ability to manage their money. Furthermore, we should offer some opportunities for children to gain money with their labor. No pay no gain, children could not understand how to use the money if they never earn one dollar with their hand. In this reason, schools and parents should encourage children to work in their spare time and offer some positions for them.
In a nutshell, children’s pocket money, just like anything else in the world, has its bright side and dark side. As far as I am concerned, we should give our children not only the money but also the advise to use and to earn it.
得分：5分
这篇修改后的文章，在语言上基本达到6分的要求，但是仍然有一些主谓搭配和名词单复数的低级错误，这将直接影响你从5分上升到6分的成绩，望在写完作文后细心检查定能避免。在论点展开方面，比前一篇的文章能干净利落一些，但是，第一个主体段中对于给零用钱是表达父母关心的方式的展开，存在逻辑问题，因为你在那里的分论点句是给钱能带来advantages,那么以后的论述是否就应该从好处展开呢？你却转到给钱是不能接受的做法方向去论述了。
[用户的反馈]
您说我的第一个主体段展开的不好，不贴切，我如果按下面的改感觉是不是就好多了。
We do not deny that decreasing the sum of children’s pocket money would bring advantages. Decreasing the amount of money would lead children to award that amount of pocket money is limited and controlling their own consumption are necessary. In addition, decreasing the amount of children’s pocket money would improve the relation between parents and their children. In traditional Chinese opinion, parents would give a little money to their children for expressing their love or rewarding the children’s achievement in study. However I think the proverb “ money talks” is inadequate that is used in this affair, and communication is the only way to express the feeling of parents toward their children. In this reason, it would benefit both sides that parents decrease children’s pocket money and spend more time on communicating with their children.
[老师的批改]
We do not deny that decreasing the sum of children’s pocket money would bring advantages.
Decreasing the amount of money would lead children to come to relize that amount of pocket money is limited and controlling their own consumption is necessary.
In addition, decreasing the amount of children’s pocket money would improve the relation between parents and their children.
In traditional Chinese opinion, parents would give a little money to their children for expressing their love or rewarding their children’s achievement in study.
However I think the proverb “money talks” is inadequate that is used in this affair, and communication is the only way to express the feeling of parents towards their children.
In this reason, it would benefit both sides that parents decrease children’s pocket money and spend more time in communicating with their children.
主体段落这样的论证过程基本达到逻辑严密的要求，能够做到自圆其说。但是你需要注意的是，在语言和句型的使用上显得过于单调，如文中所标示的几处你表达应该“减少小孩零用钱”时，从头到尾用的都只有一个动词decrease，是否可以尝试替换同义词呢？注意你的主谓一致和代词指代方面一些细小的语法错误。
[学生提交的作文]
In the last hundred years people have set a new mind-blowing rate for the developing of new technologies. New produces are being conceived every minute of every day, all of which will impact people in some respect. However in all those technologies and produces computers have been the most important influences on people. Some people assert that computers have made life more complex and stressful, while some people believe that computers have made life easier and more convenient. Form my points of view the advantages of computers are the leading sides and computers have become a necessary part in people’ lives. First of all perhaps computers may quicken our pace of life and made our life more complex and stressful. With the development of computers almost every jobs need people who are well up in computer technology. People, who want to find a good job, must learn how to use computers. On one hand the computer technology is a very complex subject. If you want to use computers very well, you must take a lot of time to study and practice it. On the other hand computers develop so fast that people must study new technology constantly. Those all make people feel stressful. Even though there may be one or two disadvantages to develop computers, the advantages fast outweigh them. The major point for my penchant for computers is that computers can help people do many things, including complex computation, storing and searching information and some work that is dangerous for people to do. For instant launching a rocket up to outer pace need so complex computation that people can not do it without computers; searching the newest information is of vital importance for business, so people will not be success in business without computers. Computers have facilitated many of our working processes and we have already grown dependent on them. Another advantage of computers is that people can use them for entertainment in spare time. From pc games to online chatting, computers have the ability to entertain us in a wide verity of ways. After a busy day, playing pc games is the favorite thing of most of my classmates. And in today’ life a lot of young people could have not televisions, but they must have a set of computer. Now many films display fascinating draws by using computers to deal with images. In a word in spite of the fact the computer appears to have made life more complex and stressful, I fell that the advantages are more obvious. Computers have become an integral part of everyday life. They can help us do much work and make us funny.
[老师的批改]
1.In the last hundred years（加，）people have…
2.all of which will impact people in some respect（改为respects）
3.However（加,） in all those (改为these) technologies and produces, computers have been(去掉been) the most important influences on people.
4.Form（改为From） my points (改为point) of view（加，） the advantages of computers are the leading sides and computers have（去掉have）become a necessary part in people’ （改为people’s）lives.
5.First of all（去掉First of all） perhaps(改为Perhaps) computers may quicken our pace of life and made (改为make) our life more complex and stressful.本段讲的是计算机使人的生活变得复杂，如果你用first of all, 下一段你就要加上second of all并继续讲述同一项内容。
6.On one hand（加，） the computer technology…
7.On the other hand （加，） computers develop so fast…
8.For instant (改为instance), launching a rocket up to outer pace need (改为needs)
9.And in today’ (改为today’s) life（加，）
10.Now t（去掉t） many films display fascinating draws(改为images) by using computers to deal with images(改为them).
本篇文章中论证理由充分，有些套句运用较好。但文章也存在一些问题：1. 有些跑题，题目是计算机使人的生活变得复杂还是轻松了，而不是要你论述计算机的有缺点，在文章中有一部分你是在写计算机的缺点和优点。2. .结构不太合理，你的观点是计算机是人的生活变得方便，所以应把方便的理由放前面，给人带来压力的理由写后面。3. 语法错误多，主要是形容词和名词混淆，名词单复数，动词时态一致等问题。4. 文章字数大概有450字左右，而临场发挥的作文很难写到这个字数。
建议：仔细审题，合理安排文章布局，写作完毕后要检查，注意一些小的语法错误，字数控制在300至350字就可以了。
只要认真做好上面的提示，能够认真积极练笔的你一定会在托福考试中取得优异成绩的。Progress is the activity of today and the assurance of tomorrow.
What the opinion of artists
[学生提交的作文]
洪雁老师： 您好。下面这篇作文命题曾是我在1月21日考过的作文题。这是重新写的一篇。
In the present words, science has been developing fast, but people still have a high opinion of artists. What can the arts tell us of the life that science cannot? Arts is the making and expressions of what are beautiful and pleasure in human lives. People have paid no less attention to arts than they have paid to science since the beginning of human civilization. Why is arts so important?
The main reason is that compared with natural sciences, arts (humanities and fine arts) serves rudder（方向舵）. First of all, arts plays a essential role in moulding magnificent qualities of people. A majority of works and writings not only expressed the impressive feelings in the world, which were sentimental and natural, but also gave us many ideas about love, faith and charity. In fact, these ideas have withstood（经受住） the test of time. They represent the accumulated wisdom of our ancestors down through the ages. People, who equipped with these theories, can make sound judgements about any problems which may crop up（出现，发生）.
Secondly, arts is the source of happiness in our lives. For instance, a classic light opera can give delight to millions of people. And moreover, some painting masterpieces are exactly a great satisfactions.
Especially, some excellent literature works enrich our lives and make us feel that we are part of the great family of mankind. Therefore, it is nothing but the arts that brings optimistic mental conditions to us.
In addition arts subjects are good for boosting children’s mental development. Recently, a American study shows that Mozart’s works can help children to improve their graphic cognition. Hence arts education is not only of benefit to moulding people’s quality, but also to discovering people’s potential. All in all, the arts’ contribution to our lives can not be replaced by science although both arts and science push the boundaries of human cognition.
[老师批改的作文]
你的这篇作文在文章结构上把握得很到位，没有明显的语法错误，个别错误估计是由于打字笔误吧！ Anyway,内容切题，表达基本顺畅，论据合理，能够列举比较有代表性的事例（如Mozart’s works）使论证更具有说服力。有一定词汇量。However,如果能在使用上多出一些用词精准度上的亮点的话，有望突破词汇6分的水平；句型基本正确，但用法较为单一。首段的中心论点句是否可以提得更明朗一些呢？ 加油：）
Wild animals have no place in the 21st century
[学生提交的作文]
Some people think preventing these wild animals from dying out is a waste of resource. To what your agree or disagree with this opinion.
Human is the creature which is closest to God. It means we have more duties and rights for this world. Biology diversity have been damaged by the developing of modern society, which have threatened to the life of animals as well as the life of human. The extinction of animal is a alarm to humane.
With civilization, the human’s life become more and more comfortable and convenience, it may a good news to human but a bad news to animals. Exhaust gases are emitted to the atmosphere,。react with each other, combine with water vapor, form acid rain. Acid rain fall into lake and kill the frogs and the fishes. Time will tell you, although the recent acid rain may not directly harm to us, we would not escape from the doom if we regardless the alarm from animals. We are a part of the food chain. Most of the human’s diets come from animals, which means the dangers that are threatening not only the animals but also the human. Several serious diseases from animals have brought us into the hell in the beginning of the new century. 。SARS, the horrible disease have killed thousands of people 。attribute to ate the ill wild animals.
As the end of the food chain, we should spend money on preventing wild animals which is a confession from the evil consequence. I believe none would regardless the alarm from animals if he recognized it, none would parsimony the money if it is used in preventing himself. Development of society and preventing animals are our right and duty which also need us to balance.
[老师的批改]
Human is the creature which is the closest to God. It means we have more duties and rights for this world. Biological diversity have been damaged by the developing of modern society, which have threatened to the life of animals as well as the life of human. The extinction of animal is an alarm to human beings.
With the process of human civilization, our life become more and more comfortable and convenience, it may be a good news to man but a bad news to animals. Exhaust gases are emitted to the atmosphere, which react with each other and combine with water vapor, and finally lead to form acid rain. Acid rain fall into lake and kill the frogs and the fishes. Time will tell you, although the recent acid rain may not directly harm to us, we would not escape from the doom if we ignore the alarm from animals. We are a part of the food chain. Most of the human’s diets come from animals, which means the dangers that are threatened not only the animals but also the human. Several serious diseases from animals have brought us into the hell in the beginning of the new century. For example SARS, the horrible disease has killed thousands of people which was attributed to eating the ill wild animals.
As the end of the food chain, we should spend money on preventing wild animals which is a confession from the evil consequence. I believe no one would neglect the alarm from animals if he recognized it, no one would be of parsimony with the money if it is used in preventing himself. Development of society and preventing animals are our right and duty which also need us to balance.
文章结构不是很清楚，说理论证部分仅仅围绕了一个酸雨问题展开论述的话不太具有说服力，而且你全文的主体段落的结构很混乱没有明显的启承转合的路标词。本文里面的用词比较单一，而且出现了多处词性使用搭配错误，望注意！
Why Do I Choose To Work In A Big Company
[学生提交的作文]
Along with the modern world develops, there are many changes brought about by choosing, especially choosing work.
Someone suggest that the advantages of working in a big company outweigh the disadvantages. However, others have the opposite opinion. I agree that working in a big company.
First of all, working in a big company is a convenient way for people to communicate. You can meet many kinds of people in a big company. You have a lot of chance to talk with others.
Next, you can get more experience in a big company. 。You have a lot of work to do, and you will get experience after finishing them. In a big company, there will be more experts helping you. You can succeed more easily.
Last but not least, competition will give you an impetus to become perfect. There will be more people who are more talented than you in a big company. You must try your best to work, or you will be fired.
However, it can not be denied that working in a big company also has some disadvantages, for example, the busy working is stressful and you have less free time to spend with your family. But I still think working in a big company has more advantages. I want to work in a big company.
[老师批改的作文]
As (介词和连词要区分开)the modern world develops, there are many changes brought about by choosing, especially choosing work.
Someone suggests (语法的忽略) that the advantages of working in a big company outweigh the disadvantages. However, others have the opposite opinion. I agree to (agree 的用法不够熟练，这里应用agree to sth.) working in a big company.
First of all, working in a big company is a convenient way for people to communicate. You can meet many kinds of people in a big company. You have a lot of chance to talk with them. (换成代词使文章具有连贯性。)
Next, you can get more experience in a big company. Since (换上一连词使得文章具有逻辑性) you have a lot of work to do, (and 应去掉) you will get experience after finishing it.(不可数名词用单数代替) In a big company, there will be more experts helping you. You can succeed more easily.
Last but not least, competition will give you an impetus to become perfect. There will be more people who are more talented than you in a big company. You must try your best to work, or you will be fired.
However, it can not be denied that working in a big company also has some disadvantages, for example, the work is so stressful that (此结构会使句子紧凑)you will have less free time to spend with your family. But I still think working in a big company has more advantages. I want to work in a big company.
总评：本篇文章更像是雅思作文，但不是说四、六级作文不可以这样写。一些国外考试的作文结构是可以借鉴的。但更应该按照考试要求来写。
How to Protect The Endangered Species in The World
[学生提交的作文]
Today there are many endangered species in the world. It’s time to do something for the animals which is almost extinct.
What we should do? At first, finding what is the source of the situation. People destroyed the environment, hunt for meat, and so on. Actually, wild animals are endangered by some people’s behavior.
What we can do? The first is make the law to protect endangered species. One other useful thing is to found protective areas. It could give a environment to live 。.
Sending animals to the zoo is not the best choice, but better than have been killed.
Basically, we must have t moral mind to protect the animals, and believe we must live by living with the other different life.
[老师批改的作文]
Today there are many endangered species in the world. It’s time to do something for the animals which are almost extinct.
What we should do? First, finding what the source of the situation is. People have destroyed the environment. People have hunted for meat. Actually, wild animals are endangered by some man’s behavior.
What can we do? The first is to make laws to protect endangered species. One other useful thing is to create protective areas. It could create a safe environment for animals to live in.
Sending animals to the zoo is not the best choice, but better than have been killed.
Basically, we must have the moral character to protect the animals, and we must continue living by sharing the land with the other different animals.
本篇文章的优势在于思路比较清晰。但有些句子的表达不够地道，且频繁出现语法错误。如名词的单复数，时态，非谓语动词等。另外，还有一些结构词应用不够准确。比如：首先应是first, 而不是at first。
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